Candy Castles and Rainbows

In trying to formulate the opening for this blog, I went through many edits and re-writes, coming up with something, only to slash through those words in favor of someth

ing else and then back again. Nothing seemed to set the tone I was looking for until a song started playing in my mind. It was faint at first, but grew in volume until I could no longer ignore it. After looking up the lyrics for the song, I not only realized why it was playing on a continuous loop, but I also learned something of the song's origins that I had not known previously. However, now having this knowledge, I had one of the "ahhhh" moments of understanding and how it all clicked into place.

After seeing some of the things that she had gone through, Jon Bon Jovi (he will always be the original McDreamy to me), wrote Sometime's Its A Bitch for Stevie Nicks. This song has been the soundtrack for this blog and in case you're of a younger generation and aren't familiar with the gypsy woman's voice, here at least are the lyrics...

Well I've run through rainbows and castles of candy

I've cried a river of tears from the pain

I try to dance with what life has to hand me

My partner's been pleasure, my partner's been pain

There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle

And dark desperate hours that nobody sees

My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain

or my head in my hands, down on my knees

chorus:

Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes its a breeze

Sometimes loves blind and sometimes it sees

Sometimes its roses, but sometimes it's weeds

Sometimes it a bitch, but sometimes, it's a breeze

I've reached in darkness and come out with treasures

I've laid down with love and I've woke up with lies

What's it all worth, only the heart can measure

It's not what's in the mirror, but what's left inside

(chorus)

You've got to take it as it comes....

Sometimes it don't come easy...

I've run through rainbows and castles of candy

I've cried a river of tears from the pain

I've tried to dance with what life had to hand me

And if I could, I'd do it all over again

(chorus)

Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze

Sometimes the picture just ain't what it seems

You get what you want, but it's not what you need

Sometimes it's a bitch, and sometimes... it's a breeze

That all being said, I found my soul mate. Yet finding your soul mate is no guaranty to a happily ever after. Ultimately love was a bitch and my soul mate took all that I offered and cast it aside through selfishness, cowardice and deceit. (So how could he have been my soul mate you may ask? You know these things. You just do.) So though I have forgiven him, and I will always carry the deepest of scars only a s

oul mate can inflict, I also carry the good times, the laughter and even the love.

"I've reached into darkness and come out with treasures"... because sometimes we're so lost in our darkness, fate, destiny, the powers that be, or whomever, needs to shine the light so brightly, we have no choice but to see the direction the signs are pointing.

As though lit by fate's brilliant spotlight, Jewelgen and Saynine, beckoned to me across the miles. Conversations traded through the internet led to a fabulous real life meet and eat. For sake of safety, I did of course take my daughters to dinne

r with me as chaperones/bodyguards/get-away excuse, because let's face it... Saynine looks like a scary psycho. Upon arriving at the designated spot, I found that pics online don't do the real life Jewelgen justice at all, but Saynine really does look that scary. I also found our interaction with each other was natural and genuine. My girls approved as well and were sucked into the pull of their presence. The girls totally love Mr. and Mrs. Evil.

I still think of that night and it always brings a smile to my face. And I almost felt guilty for the restaurant staff as they looked as though they may need to pull out the sleeping bags for themselves, since it was quite evident that we had no real desire to part company and end the evening. (Saynine... I hope that you remembered to give the Maya a great review.) Throughout dinner, we talked and bantered and realized that there were way too many common oddities to be mere coincidence. There's the story of how they both found me on Fetlife, months and months before we all even started conversing. There's the whole name thing. Y'all would totally trip, but where else would you find a married couple, in the lifestyle, with much the same views and strong sense of compatibility, AND our names were all linked. Seriously??? Big signs being whacked on our collective heads. But I've digressed.

A wonderful and powerful bond formed that evening. The 3,000 plus miles that separate us has not diminished that bond one iota, and that's a testament to our friendship and love for each other. Though our time was limited then, my next visit merely cemented our feelings for one another and quite honestly the surprised look on Saynine's face will be etched into my mind for all time. It was an absolute shame Jewelgen missed that first look, but then again, she was nearly apoplectic trying to keep the surprise visit a secret from her husband and then had to go into hiding when I arrived so that Saynine would have to answer the door to an unannounced visitor demanding acknowledgment. Man, that was fun.

That weekend was amazing - I laughed... I cried. Twice (in a good way). I enjoyed the city, the sights, and most importantly, the company of a stunning kinky woman and her seriously evil, but obviously loving husband.

I miss them each and every day. They are always in my thoughts, and though miles apart and time zones separate us, they are never farther away than a few key strokes.

"There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle"... because the love I have found in them has me looking to start fresh and new and setting my sights on the setting sun. As I count down the days, I feel the urgency and rightness of so final the direction I walk. No looking back, no regrets. My time here in this place of mine slows until it trickles to a stop. I am both running away and running to something. And if I sound mournful or bittersweet, that is my right. I leave behind my family and friends. I leave behind a lost soul mate and half a lifetime built on the sunny shores of the Atlantic. I leave behind those that matter most to me.

"My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain"... I go to begin a new life. I go to live the next half of a lifetime on the tempestuous shores of the Pacific. I go to those who mean the most to me.

"It's not what's in the mirror, but what's left inside"... Jewelgen and Saynine...

I am blessed indeed to be a part of your lives. I am blessed because you accept me for who I am - broken and scarred, and not minding that some of the pieces are missing. The strength you have as individuals is amplified as you unite as a couple. That you choose to share that with me is truly humbling.

"And if I could, I'd do it all over again"