Candy Castles and Rainbows

In trying to formulate the opening for this blog, I went through many edits and re-writes, coming up with something, only to slash through those words in favor of someth

ing else and then back again. Nothing seemed to set the tone I was looking for until a song started playing in my mind. It was faint at first, but grew in volume until I could no longer ignore it. After looking up the lyrics for the song, I not only realized why it was playing on a continuous loop, but I also learned something of the song's origins that I had not known previously. However, now having this knowledge, I had one of the "ahhhh" moments of understanding and how it all clicked into place.

After seeing some of the things that she had gone through, Jon Bon Jovi (he will always be the original McDreamy to me), wrote Sometime's Its A Bitch for Stevie Nicks. This song has been the soundtrack for this blog and in case you're of a younger generation and aren't familiar with the gypsy woman's voice, here at least are the lyrics...

Well I've run through rainbows and castles of candy

I've cried a river of tears from the pain

I try to dance with what life has to hand me

My partner's been pleasure, my partner's been pain

There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle

And dark desperate hours that nobody sees

My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain

or my head in my hands, down on my knees

chorus:

Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes its a breeze

Sometimes loves blind and sometimes it sees

Sometimes its roses, but sometimes it's weeds

Sometimes it a bitch, but sometimes, it's a breeze

I've reached in darkness and come out with treasures

I've laid down with love and I've woke up with lies

What's it all worth, only the heart can measure

It's not what's in the mirror, but what's left inside

(chorus)

You've got to take it as it comes....

Sometimes it don't come easy...

I've run through rainbows and castles of candy

I've cried a river of tears from the pain

I've tried to dance with what life had to hand me

And if I could, I'd do it all over again

(chorus)

Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze

Sometimes the picture just ain't what it seems

You get what you want, but it's not what you need

Sometimes it's a bitch, and sometimes... it's a breeze

That all being said, I found my soul mate. Yet finding your soul mate is no guaranty to a happily ever after. Ultimately love was a bitch and my soul mate took all that I offered and cast it aside through selfishness, cowardice and deceit. (So how could he have been my soul mate you may ask? You know these things. You just do.) So though I have forgiven him, and I will always carry the deepest of scars only a s

oul mate can inflict, I also carry the good times, the laughter and even the love.

"I've reached into darkness and come out with treasures"... because sometimes we're so lost in our darkness, fate, destiny, the powers that be, or whomever, needs to shine the light so brightly, we have no choice but to see the direction the signs are pointing.

As though lit by fate's brilliant spotlight, Jewelgen and Saynine, beckoned to me across the miles. Conversations traded through the internet led to a fabulous real life meet and eat. For sake of safety, I did of course take my daughters to dinne

r with me as chaperones/bodyguards/get-away excuse, because let's face it... Saynine looks like a scary psycho. Upon arriving at the designated spot, I found that pics online don't do the real life Jewelgen justice at all, but Saynine really does look that scary. I also found our interaction with each other was natural and genuine. My girls approved as well and were sucked into the pull of their presence. The girls totally love Mr. and Mrs. Evil.

I still think of that night and it always brings a smile to my face. And I almost felt guilty for the restaurant staff as they looked as though they may need to pull out the sleeping bags for themselves, since it was quite evident that we had no real desire to part company and end the evening. (Saynine... I hope that you remembered to give the Maya a great review.) Throughout dinner, we talked and bantered and realized that there were way too many common oddities to be mere coincidence. There's the story of how they both found me on Fetlife, months and months before we all even started conversing. There's the whole name thing. Y'all would totally trip, but where else would you find a married couple, in the lifestyle, with much the same views and strong sense of compatibility, AND our names were all linked. Seriously??? Big signs being whacked on our collective heads. But I've digressed.

A wonderful and powerful bond formed that evening. The 3,000 plus miles that separate us has not diminished that bond one iota, and that's a testament to our friendship and love for each other. Though our time was limited then, my next visit merely cemented our feelings for one another and quite honestly the surprised look on Saynine's face will be etched into my mind for all time. It was an absolute shame Jewelgen missed that first look, but then again, she was nearly apoplectic trying to keep the surprise visit a secret from her husband and then had to go into hiding when I arrived so that Saynine would have to answer the door to an unannounced visitor demanding acknowledgment. Man, that was fun.

That weekend was amazing - I laughed... I cried. Twice (in a good way). I enjoyed the city, the sights, and most importantly, the company of a stunning kinky woman and her seriously evil, but obviously loving husband.

I miss them each and every day. They are always in my thoughts, and though miles apart and time zones separate us, they are never farther away than a few key strokes.

"There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle"... because the love I have found in them has me looking to start fresh and new and setting my sights on the setting sun. As I count down the days, I feel the urgency and rightness of so final the direction I walk. No looking back, no regrets. My time here in this place of mine slows until it trickles to a stop. I am both running away and running to something. And if I sound mournful or bittersweet, that is my right. I leave behind my family and friends. I leave behind a lost soul mate and half a lifetime built on the sunny shores of the Atlantic. I leave behind those that matter most to me.

"My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain"... I go to begin a new life. I go to live the next half of a lifetime on the tempestuous shores of the Pacific. I go to those who mean the most to me.

"It's not what's in the mirror, but what's left inside"... Jewelgen and Saynine...

I am blessed indeed to be a part of your lives. I am blessed because you accept me for who I am - broken and scarred, and not minding that some of the pieces are missing. The strength you have as individuals is amplified as you unite as a couple. That you choose to share that with me is truly humbling.

"And if I could, I'd do it all over again"

Therapy Is Good For The Soul.... Really?!

I've been procrastinating this post because the tale behind it is still a very sore and painful subject for me. However, in the interest of preserving what remains of my sanity and the supposed relief I will gain for sharing, I send my heartbreak out to the universe. There are wonderful people who sincerely care about my well-being (and not just in a kinky way), and I do this for them.

My divorce was painful enough that I was fine with taking time away from dating. I'm also of an age, where trolling bars and clubs holds very little appeal to me. When I was finally ready to start dating, I did what a lot of people now-a-days do.... internet personals. I met a few people, none of whom were second date material, but I had pretty much decided that I was okay with that. I'm still getting out, meeting people and if a love match never happened, so be it.

During that exploratory time is when I started talking to M. He was intelligent, had a great sense of humor, he cared about his family and had the sexiest green eyes and man had a right to have. We hit it off in cyberspace and finally set up meeting.

Prior to our first real meeting, he confessed that he had seen me in a store. I had gone to Target after work to shop for curtains and such while I was killing time before I had to pick up my daughter from work. He silently "stalked" me, never letting me know he was there. Later that evening though, we were talking online and he admitted to having seen me. It was quite funny actually.

So, we set up our first date. Nothing to elaborate, drinks and conversation at a popular spot downtown. He hit it off fabulously. From that day on, we would see each other when we could. Everything felt right, when I had no longer remembered what such emotion could feel like. I fell in love and fell hard.

It seemed as though we complimented each other and were very happy together. And the sex was amazing. His family loved me, and mine loved him. We never fought, never argued and he seemed to always understand my moods and how to diffuse the really bad ones. My kids turned to him for counsel, and knew that if they had done something to really upset me, it was a really good idea to go through him first. It saved their asses more often than not. He encouraged them in so many ways and family discussions were always lively and insightful because he would bring a different view point that we may not have realized ourselves.

I couldn't picture living the rest of my life without him. We talked of marriage, having children and of growing old together. He was "freaky" and introduced me to a few things I had not tried and found that I yearned for his touch. He was by no means a perfect person, but he was perfect for me. I gave him my heart, my body, my mind and my soul. I was still my own person, but he was everything to me and as long as I was in his arms, the rest of the world faded away.

And then one evening just under a year and a half ago, it all changed. While I thought we were completely happy, he was trying to figure out how to tell me that he had gotten someone pregnant and he was expecting a child.

Now, I'm glossing over everything as lightly as possible, because quite frankly, if it were left up to me, I would not be writing about this. The pain, even to this day, is so great, that it's hard to keep going with the tale.

I was devastated to say the least. Completely and utterly shattered. I had given him all of me and he cast it all away and hid behind lies and cowardice. And still I pined for him. I yearned for him and pleaded with him to come back home. I was willing to forgive him and find a way to live our lives together.

How, stupid and utterly sad I was. I was inconsolable, deeply and darkly depressed and often unintentionally self-destructive. I had anxiety attacks if I had to be in large crowds (which prevented me from working two of the jobs I worked at the time). I couldn't focus at my main day job, became a recluse at home, and found food and nourishment gross and unappealing. I eventually had to be put on medication for the anxiety and depression. I was good for a while. I didn't hurt so much anymore and that was all I cared about. The downside to that was that I also didn't feel happy either. In fact, I didn't care much about anything. I was thankful that my son and daughter were not living with me at the time to see this, but my other daughter was. To say that the "blonde girl" (and yes, I really do refer to her as that), was upset over my decline would be an understatement. She was actually close to the end of her rope in trying to figure out how to help me.

I wrote my feelings out in dark cryptic poems and posted them so that he could see my pain. So that others could see my pain. (And if you ask me real nicely, I'll post them for you here too.) When I say that was a really bad time in my life, I mean horrific. It was so much worse than any of the pain I endured over my ex-husband, because he knew all my dirty little secrets and fears. He knew it all and he still put me threw it all again. We had agreed that when the relationship was no longer working for the other, be honest. I'd rather be hurt with the honesty than endure that kind of betrayal again. He understood that, even agreed considering the painful memories from his own hurt and past.

For nearly a year, I held on to the hope and yes, delusion, that he would realize what an ass he's been. He would beg my forgiveness. He still loved me. He missed me with every breathe he took and for the rest of our lives, he would never let me doubt his love for me.

For nearly a year, I tried to move on with my life, while holding on to this secret fantasy that I know will never come to pass. I managed to get myself off of the medication which was not an enjoyable experience in the least. (Let me say this to those of you who may not know... DO NOT stop taking the anti-depressants your doctor has prescribed and do not deviate from the dosage they have recommended for you. When you feel you are ready to discontinue taking the meds, please consult your physician for a safe way to bring them out of your system.) I did not do this and the withdrawal was excruciating and it still took a few months for the drugs to be completely gone from my system.

I have a great friend in his sister. Although at some point in our visits with each other, the matter of what an ass her brother was (is) would come up. But never for very long because I just couldn't handle talking about him. It was good to have her love, friendship and support. To this day I am still very close to not only her, but their parents still as well. Whether he knows this or not, I can't say. But their unconditional love and support have given me strength. They mean more to me than I'll ever be able to express.

I'm happy to say that I am not longer a recluse. In the beginning of my recovery, I would have to force myself to go out in public. There are still times like that, but I push myself beyond those feelings and reach for the strength I know I have inside.

I've accepted that what M and I had is gone. I've also accepted that he's a lying, cheating, selfish, weak, coward, who couldn't accept that the love I had for him was real, unconditional and everlasting. I've also accepted that his happiness is no longer my concern. He's made his choices. If he loved me, he would have had the strength to follow his heart. If he has, great. I wish them both all that they deserve in this life and the next.

A new person has risen from the ashes of what and who I was. I will always love him and think about him. There may even be a part of me that will always yearn for him. But that's my cross to bear and I can live with that.

I've decided to let my natural personality take over other aspects of my life. I will bow to no man (save one) and no woman (save one), and even then it's gonna be one hell of a fight.

Where I've Been

I was born and raised in central Florida. Great for the tourists, not so great for those of us having to put up with them. To this day, Mickey Mouse is not my favorite character and if I could shank him I would.

I had children early, got married early and had a "normal" life, with it's ups and downs and everything in between. Relocating to south Florida over a decade ago was probably one of the best decisions I have made. I eventually had the misfortune to endure a quasi-friendly divorce (brought about through lies, betrayal and simply decimating trust) and made a commitment to myself to never hide my true self from any future partner(s) I may have.

I have always enjoyed the more taboo aspect of sex. The kind that would make the vanillas ooh and aah in fear (and secret fascination). However, by the same token, I feared the reaction of my husband at the time, so it was never discussed, never brought up and never realized. I repressed this dark aspect of my psyche for a very long time and in turn have become a "late bloomer" in the lifestyle.

So here I am... still learning, still evolving. I am a true dominant by nature, although submissive to the rare domliest of doms and exploring all that I may.